Checklist for sexual success
How many of these have your male (or female.. or other...) partners made?
(via Fleshbot)
Here are the errors in judgment that I've had to endure:
40 MISTAKES MEN MAKE WHILE HAVING SEX WITH WOMEN
(Some Men Really Need To Read This)
3) NOT SHAVING.
You often forget you have a porcupine strapped to your chin which you rake repeatedly across your partner's face and thighs. When she turns her head from side to side, it's not passion, it's avoidance.
This can also be a problem when someone with an especially coarse beard goes down on you. That skin on my inner thighs is delicate!
6) TWIDDLING HER NIPPLES.
Stop doing that thing where you twiddle the nipples between finger and thumb like you're trying to find a radio station in a hilly area. Focus on the whole breasts, not just the exclamation points.
I have actually had to remind men of this. They did OK for about 5 minutes before heading back to the bullseye(s). Same thing goes for licking them.
7) IGNORING THE OTHER PARTS OF HER BODY.
A woman is not a highway with just three turnoffs: Breastville East and West, and the Midtown Tunnel. There are vast areas of her body which you've ignored far too often as you go bombing straight into downtown Vagina. So start paying them some attention.
I 've even got a mouth, ears, shoulders, hands, feet, and some adorable butt cheeks.
8) GETTING THE HAND TRAPPED.
Poor manual dexterity in the underskirt region can result in tangled fingers and underpants. If you're going to be that aggressive, just ask her to take the damn things off.
Or take them off yourself before you go exploring.
10) ATTACKING THE CLITORIS.
Direct pressure is very unpleasant, so gently rotate your fingers along side of the clitoris.
This should be on the first page of a manual given to men before they get to touch one for the first time.
14) BEING OBSESSED WITH THE VAGINA.
Although most men can find the clitoris without maps, they still believe that the vagina is where it's all at. No sooner is your hand down there than you're trying to stuff stolen banknotes up a chimney. This is okay in principle, but if you're not careful, it can hurt - so don't get carried away. It's best to pay more attention to her clitoris and the exterior of her vagina at first, then gently slip a finger inside her and see if she likes it.
At least warm me up before going spelunking. You might encounter resistance or friction if you don't.
18) GOING TOO FAST.
When you get to the penis-in-vagina situation, the worst thing you can do is pump away like an industrial power tool - she'll soon feel like an assembly line worker made obsolete by your technology. Build up slowly, with clean, straight, regular thrusts.
Do I look like your blowup doll? Yeah, didn't think so.
19) GOING TOO HARD.
If you bash your great triangular hip bones into her thigh or stomach, the pain is equal to two weeks of horseback riding concentrated into a few seconds.
Because this is not the Discovery Channel. 'Doing it like animals' only refers to the frenzied sexual chemistry, not the technique.
21) NOT COMING SOON ENOUGH.
It may appear to you that humping for an hour without climaxing is the mark of a sex god, but to her it's more likely the mark of a numb vagina...
Or a dry, painful one. Please, let us take a break to reapply some lube.
24) NUDGING HER HEAD DOWN.
Men persist in doing this until she's eyeball-to-penis, hoping that it will lead very swiftly to mouth-to-penis. All women hate this. It's about three steps from being dragged to a cave by their hair. If you want her to use her mouth, use yours; try talking seductively to her.
Yeah, cause this will make me want to blow you even more. (Maybe next you can force yourself on me while I yell "no" and run screaming.)
25) NOT WARNING HER BEFORE YOU CLIMAX.
Sperm tastes like sea water mixed with egg white. Not everybody likes it. When she's performing oral sex, warn her before you come so she can do what's necessary.
Miss Manners would not approve of errant ejaculation sans warning.
33) ARRANGING HER IN STUPID POSES.
If she wants to do advanced yoga in bed, fine, but unless she's a Romanian gymnast, don't get too ambitious. Ask yourself if you want a sexual partner with snapped hamstrings.
The Kama Sutra was probably meant for people who did yoga everyday anyway. And I don't mean one class a week at the local YMCA.
36) BARKING INSTRUCTIONS.
Don't shout encouragement like a coach with a megaphone. It's not a big turn-on.
Unless you're playing Naughty Cheerleader Camp. And you have an actual megaphone.
38) NOT CARING WHETHER SHE COMES.
You have to finish the job. Keep on trying until you get it right, and she might even do the same for you.
If you don't, I'll just tell any female I know to avoid sleeping with a selfish asshole like you, via Craigslist.
2 comments:
That's a lot of mistakes. I wonder if there's a man out there who does all 40. I've just read the list, and i'm a regular 35, I love love bites, 37, I like dirty talk, the occasional 29, can't blame a man for trying, and a fistful of others when I was just a young lad. But us blokes don't usually make mistakes, do we? Surely not.
Post a Comment