Boxing Day
I dislike being categorized. One partner recently told me that he didn't know if he'd feel comfy doing anything "unusual" with me b/c he did not perceive me in that kinky way. My response was that it was sad that he felt he had to categorize people like that. And that he really had no idea how kinky (or not) I was since he'd not bothered to explore that side of me.
Is kink a mindset? A fashion statement? A lifestyle? All of the above?
I view it as all of the above. It can be a hardcore lifestyle if you so please. Or a fashion statement, especially if you like Versace. Or something more private--like wearing crotchless panties to work-no one else knows you are, but there can be the thrill of accidentally (or "accidentally") flashing a co-worker.
What can be most difficult for some is how to express this part of oneself. I don't know if I always express curiosity of the more exotic side of sex for a few reasons:
-because I'm content with my current state of sexual being
-I am not comfortable enough with my partner
-my partner seems ill at ease with talking about sex (or even seems scared of lube) and/or certain aspects of sex
The partner in question above did have a bad experience with kink. A former girlfriend had been very into it. He was torn. He liked doing things that he knew pleasured her, but at the same he abhorred the idea of hurting women. It was one of the reasons that led to their eventual breakup, as he felt unsatisfied with their sex life (he knew she didn't really enjoy 'normal' sex) and eventually went to seek it elsewhere. (Not to blame him totally. She brought her own issues too).
I have a hard time bringing up topics like those above in the right way. I end up being too confrontational or too businesslike or something.....that I somehow don't give off the right vibe (no pun intended) during a chat about my (and my partner's) sexual limits/desires/fantasies. It doesn't occur to me to lean over during foreplay and whisper in a sultry voice about my desire to tie my partner down and ravish them...or having them ravish me. Communication is key I suppose.
2 comments:
Absolutely - communication is the key...and it doesn't have to be a "formal"conversation, rather, something that just comes into the flow of things.
kink doesn't necesarily have to mean inflicting pain. you're not entirely clear as to how bad his ex wanted him to hurt her. i know the pc, sex positive thing to say is that if it feels good, do it--but the truth is, a lot of our sexuality has been shaped by our childhood hangups, for better or for worse. for example, i know too many catholic men who grew up with the madonna/whore mentality. while a man has all the right in the world to think like this, i would never ever sleep with or have any kind of romantic relationship with someone like that. there are some noxious ideas about sex that we really do have to outgrow. and associating pain with sex, while a turn on for some people, is indicative of many unresolved issues. some would say that i'm looking too much into this. but that's exactly why dysfunctional sex turns on these folks in the first place--because of the psychological wallop it packs.
there are many ways to be kinky--3somes are kinky w/out necessarily involving pain. costumes, age play, goddess/slave, strap on sex, and the like are ways to break from the strict monogamy mold w/out becoming a caricature out of a quentin tarantino movie.
i think a bankruptcy of the imagination is what dooms too many women into expressing their sexuality in the only way they know how--through extreme masochism and submission (which is the standard paradigm for feminity, even in these modern times). there are many ways for a woman to be sexual and dominant, but let's face it--gender conditioning is too strong for most of them. after all, how many women have been asked for their ass by their lovers, but neglect to demand his ass first as the price of admission? it's easy enough to do it--it's common knowledge that everyone's got an asshole. but asking to fuck his ass is just so diametrically opposed to most women's idea of what hetero sex should be like that it doesn't occur to her to ask for reciprocation.
also, the truth is that not all kinks are harmless. not all kinks are created equal. sure, some pc pro-sex activist might insist that we shouldn't judge just because we don't enjoy it, but there are some things that are clearly disturbing--like scat play. that doesn't involve pain, but it includes heavy helpings of humiliation and bacteria. auto-erotic asphyxiation is another crazy kink that would make me break up with someone. someone who enjoyed mutilating themselves would make me run to the hills.
maybe this lover might prefer to fuck when stoned? that's a safe, (could be, if you sweet talk him properly) kinky, bloodless way to fuck. all is not lost--maybe he'll loosen up when fucking high on mushrooms. drugs when used properly can really enhance sex--it's the altered state of consciousness that really freshens things up.
Post a Comment