Celibate?
I thought about going celibate after an announcement from primary partner X yesterday. I asked him why he was stressed. He said one thing was his lack of orgasms during sex. OK, so it happened a few times, but it's not like I was keeping score. Apparently the last few times we'd done the deed he'd gone without. I figured it was stress and told him so. He said "then why can I get myself off?". He implied that perhaps sex was too routine, placing the blame squarely on me. (I'm not the one that doesn't seem to know what foreplay is. Or where my vagina is).
Ouch.
Thus implying it had something to do with me. My ego was so crushed. I did not think that I put that much stock into my sexual prowess, but I guess that I do.
I was devastated enough to call up SQG (who recently told me he was done being social for a while and that's why he blew me off last week....something about spending more time with his family...I think that one of them might be sick...don't want to pry since he didn't offer up any info) and inquired about my performance skills. He was more interested in his new computer (selfish asshole) than helping me to nurse my wounded ego. At the very least I got an honest sounding "no" when I asked if he thought my performance skills were lacking.
I still continued to feel deflated....Almost hollow inside......I mean the very core of my femininity was being dragged across barbed wire.
I felt partially as though I should just be celibate. I also feel as though I have to go out and fuck a lot of men to prove something to myself....That I still have that power to Make Men Cum.
Cut to this morning.
I wander into X's room (yes, he shares my humble abode...there are several bedrooms) to ask him something. We end up having sex (at an unpredictable time, one he usually thumbs his nose at). He cums. Hallelujah.
I feel better, but not that much better. I still have all these lingering doubts about myself. I somehow feel less attractive than I did before X's annoucement yesterday. Less sexy. Less erotic. I feel powerless (and not in a 'good' bdsm way). And I hate that someone can make me feel that way......that a person could put a damper on my sexuality and sensuality. I don't want to let his opinion have such control over me, to own me. I'm trying to shake it off (like any good athlete would). But not having any luck just yet.
4 comments:
this guy obviously is a bad lover. before anyone can be a good lover, he or she must know how to get themselves off. if they don't even know how to do that, no one else, no matter how skilled, can ever get them off. he should have done enough self exploration by now to know what feels good for him. also, not everyone is endowed equally with sexual talent and aptitude. it's a mistake to think that just anyone can "will" themselves into being a wonderful lover. talent is a tricky gift bestowed capriciously by lady luck. also, a good lover knows better than to blame you. that's irresponsible, and by the looks of his attitude, it's doubtful that he can get anyone else off either. if he can't take responsibility for his own sexual pleasure, then he won't have what it takes to confidently do what is necessary to ensure anyone else's sexual pleasure. also to keep in mind--insecure people will always reject you first or blame you first to take some of the sting off their own self introspection. after all, how many men have called women sluts, only to cover up the fact that they couldn't perform up to par in bed? better to tar and feather her as a ho than acknowledge that she accumulated enough experience to know what a shitty lay he is.
another thing--why did he need to tell you that he didn't get off? that was pretty calculated. with an attitude like that, maybe he deserves to NOT get off. no use giving pleasure to someone like that. maybe he'll get that elusive orgasm when he starts taking responsibility for his own sexuality instead on depending on others to hold his hand.
don't take his mean words as an indication of your sexual prowess. no one can win it all--barry bonds, who may be the best ballplayer of his generation, bats .365--that's a 36% success rate. ted williams had a lifetime 40% batting avg--that's not even successful half the time. thank yourself that this one's out of your hair.
another thing--he says he can get himself off, but have you actually seen this lately?
trust me--only he is responsible for not coming--not you. if gay men can close their eyes and come while fucking their wives, he can come with you. when a man is feeling insecure, he will sometimes hold back his orgasm to make a woman fall back on her heels. that little underhanded "softie" insult goes a long way in making a woman more accomodating and less critical of him, giving him a free pass on his imperfections.
obviously, this is a whole lot of shoot from the hip analysis. hope this isn't offensive. but i do think it is grossly unfair to blame someone else for lack of orgasms.
Thanks laura. I am feeling more empowered after reading your comments. I did tell him that he basically crushed my ego and it will take a long time to recover. Not a guilt trip.....he was being honest and he got honesty right back.
I have been thinkning about that lately....am trying to decide what I want to do. It's tough (duh..like these things are ever easy....)
I do appreciate everyone's comments as they really have made me think and opened my eyes to new possiblities.
Thanks.
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