The aftermath
I have thought about some stuff after reading laura's comments on my problem. I realize that she is right in that X is being lazy. And selfish. I don't blame him when I don't orgasm.
And that a good lover should or would not blame me. I have had my share of orgasms-less sexcapades , but have always made sure that I let my lover(s) know that it was in no way their fault and that I, more often than not, am not very orgasmic, especially when getting to know someone in the beginning of a sexual relationship. Even if it sometimes was their fault I did not (and still don't) go out of my way to tell them that they are the problem. Not that I'm really selfless or a pushover. If I have a problem with a certain position or the thrusting becomes painful I speak up, especially if it is bad positioning that is the issue.
X views himself as a victim in many ways (has to do with his childhood and stuff). I do not like that kind of behavior but with friends you take the good with the bad sometimes. But now that I am a few days removed I see how his actions could just be an extension of his victim persona- that it had to be someone else's fault, the problem couldn't lie (lay?) with him. Scary...it's not like I was trying to make him unable to cum. (Though I have to admit the 1st time it happened I couldn't help but think how karmic it was and that he now understood what it was like to be the unfulfilled one). Not any of this condones what he did or said. But it does help me to put such an unusual annoucement in perspective.
I also thought that what Semper Sexualis had to say on the topic was fascinating, especially hearing it from a female p.o.v. And that I'd like her to teach me some of those tricks to keep things interesting.......
2 comments:
Unfortunately, none of the tricks have been successful. They were briefly but we haven't had sex since last year....
obviously i'm not privy to this, but maybe the announcement of him not coming was subconscious retaliation for you not coming when having sex with him. many men get really turned on when they think they're making you so horny. if you don't come, many will take it as an insult to their sexual attractiveness, even if it was never meant that way. from the men i have known, his hard on is governed by his impression of my desire for him--the more he thinks i want him, the harder he is and the longer he lasts. obviously, i don't know x, so he could be completely off the map and my words won't mean anything regarding his actions.
an aside--my lover dirk had a hard time getting wood when he found out i strayed. he felt i no longer desired him, so he stopped feeling sexual for a few days. maybe he took the instances of your lack of orgasms as proof that you must not be that into him, despite repeated assurances and protestations to the contrary. and when a man feels undesired and unsexy, keeping a hard on, much less coming, proves quite difficult.
again--his lack of orgasms is his deal--not yours. if he's having problems with convincing himself of his desirability, that's something only he can fix--and he can't fix it by blaming others for his inability to climax.
relationships are very tricky--we need them, but the people closest to us can be the ones most likely to deal the most devastating blows, as they know which buttons to push. it's funny how you can care deeply for someone yet hurt them deeply out of buried and unarticulated resentment. how many relationships have hit the skids because of this?
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